Wednesday, 31 May 2017
If you look back in history to your mother's, or certainly your grandmother's generation, you will see something that, today, is becoming a very rare creature indeed: the stay-at-home mother. Back a few generations ago, it was completely normal, even expected, for a woman to stay at home with her children during their younger years. Now, such women are met with at worst contempt and judgement and usually at least a "What do you do all day?"
So, I'm here to answer that. I've been a stay-at-home mother (well, work-at-home mother is more appropriate, because caring for our children IS work! It's rewarding work, for sure, but don't doubt that it's work. If it's not work, why do people pay day care workers and babysitters?) since my daughter was born in 2011.
Thankfully, being Canadian, I was afforded a 12 month maternity leave. But once that maternity leave was up, I had a decision to make. Do I go back to work, and use the majority of my paycheque to put my daughter in day care? Or do I forfeit my career for the foreseeable future? Do I trade business for baby, money for memories, hustle and bustle for hugs and kisses?
It was a problem I wrestled with for a long time. It was a complex decision -- we don't live in a world where mothers normally stay at home any more. This is dependent on many factors, not least of which is the rising cost of living. It's hard to raise a family on one income, and even harder if you aren't willing to make sacrifices.
My husband was, at first, reluctant for me to stay at home with our daughter. He was raised by a strong, hard-working single mother who had no choice but to work. I, on the other hand, was blessed to have my mother stay at home while we were young and even into our younger years at school. We were coming from two totally different backgrounds and had two totally opposite perspectives.
In the end, we compromised -- I'd stay at home, but I had to earn money somehow. And since I had a background in working with children, I decided to open a home daycare. From the time my daughter was about a year old to when she was about three-and-a-half, I welcomed other children into my home, usually full-time from Monday to Friday. I usually had two extra children in addition to my own daughter to care for. Sometimes it was fun, but it was always, always hard work for very little pay. I can't say I loved it, but I did love the children I took in, and it did allow me to stay at home with my precious girl.
Once my son was born, I took time off and shut down my day care, and shortly after that we relocated. In our new town I thought about opening up a daycare again, but my heart really was not in it. My daughter was set to start school and I wanted her days home to be just our family. Thankfully, things fell into place and I found another way to earn money -- freelance writing. So things are going pretty well. I don't make a lot of money, but it's enough, along with my government child benefits that every Canadian mother gets, to help contribute to the household expenses, my children's education fund and my own purchases.
Despite the fact that motherhood, and being a caregiver, is hard work, many people still look askance at stay-at-home mothers. Especially in the feminist climate we're living in today, it can seem downright old-fashioned. People wonder what we do all day. Is it just making mac and cheese and watching cartoons? Is it playing and having fun and wearing pyjamas to the grocery store?
Maybe some days, but those days are few and far between. Here's a sample of what my day is like when it's just the kids and me. I'm using, for example, a day when I have both children, but when my daughter is in school, our day starts earlier and we have the school run to do in the morning and afternoon.
Between 7;30 and 8 a.m.: We wake up. Sure, this may seem like sleeping in, but when you consider that I'm usually up 3-4 times a night with a nursing toddler, it doesn't really feel like it. We cuddle in bed, I make sure they both take a morning pee, and then we head downstairs. They play and I make breakfast, after I've let the dogs out.
8;30 a.m.: breakfast time. My daughter is a good eater, but on any given day my son will either eat his meal with gusto (and plenty of mess) or turn his nose up at it and ask for "booboos". I clean up the breakfast, with help from my daughter, who also feeds the dogs and cat.
9:00 a.m.: this is usually when we read our faith books. We'll start with an opening prayer, and then we'll read a section from their children's Bible. Then, we read a section from "Tell Me About the Catholic Faith", the kid's edition. Then, we read my daughter's daily devotional, and finally we close with more prayers.
9:30 a.m.: the children play while I get some housework done: I try to start a load of laundry and fold what's in the dryer, sweep, and unload and reload the dishwasher.
10 a.m.: I try to do something fun with the kids, and usually that involves going outside. We'll either go for a bike ride, head to the park, walk to the library or meet up with a friend for a play date.
12;00 p.m.: by no we're usually back at home. I let the kids play or help me with making lunch. We eat lunch.
1:00 p.m.: quiet time. I usually try to get my son to nap, unless he's slept in extra-long. My daughter will read a book quietly while I put her brother down, and then I'll have her do a meditation. After that, we spend quality time together, either reading or playing with her toys or even baking. I might let her watch a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (her favourite show on Netflix!) while I try to put on another load of laundry, unload and reload the dishwasher, and make the beds (if I haven't done it yet). If it's the day to clean either of the bathrooms, I'll do this now. And then I'll sit down and relax a bit. I'll also read the daily Mass readings, if I didn't wake up before the kids to do it, and I'll read a chapter in the devotional I'm reading. I'll try to get some work done on a blog post or work on some freelancing.
2:30 p.m.: I wake up my son, who is usually grumpy and clingy for upwards of half an hour after waking up from a nap, bless him! So we'll snuggle and read books for a good twenty minutes to half an hour.
3:00 p.m.: we usually head back outside for some fun in the sun. The kids will run around the yard and discover worms and other creatures, or we'll go for another walk or bike ride, or we'll do some gardening. Sometimes I sit on the porch and read a novel for fun.
4:30 p.m.: we all head inside and I start cooking supper. They either help me cook, play, or if they're being kind of difficult and they haven't had a lot of TV earlier in the day, I'll put a half-hour show on for them. I like cooking -- I listen to a podcast and enjoy creating something healthy for my family.
5:00 p.m.: we eat dinner. I like to do this early, right at 5, so that we have time for an after-dinner walk. During dinner, my husband will not be home if he is working a day shift (8 a.m. to 8 p.m.). We talk about our day, and ask silly questions, "What's an animal that would be the hardest to carry in your backpack?".
5:30 p.m.: I clean up the kids, clean up the table and clean up the kitchen. Then, we head out the door for our after-dinner walk.
6:30 p.m.: bath time! My kids get plenty dirty throughout the day, and while in the winter I can get away with bathing them every second day (this really helps with my son's eczema as well), they need a bath every day in the warm months. I let them bathe together and play in the bath.
7:00 p.m.: I get them out of the bath, dry them and put them in their pyjamas. I get them an evening snack and they eat it while I read them a bedtime story and "Little Visits at Bedtime", a Catholic devotional I got for my daughter. Then we brush and floss teeth and say our evening prayers. Every night after prayers, I ask my daughter three questions: What are you thankful for? Why are you proud of yourself today? How were you brave today? Then, I bless her and wish her goodnight, and take my son downstairs so she can fall asleep.
From 7 p.m. to 8:15 p.m. (when hubby walks through the door), I hang out with my son downstairs. I'll play with him or read to him, or sometimes watch Coronation Street (if I'm lucky and he is happily playing independently).
8:15 p.m.: my hubby gets home. We greet each other and he holds our son, who is always excited to see him, as we fill each other in on our day. Then he heads upstairs to see if our daughter is sleeping, and if she's not, he cuddles her in her bed and they talk about her day for awhile.
Around 8;30 I go have either a bath or a shower, and after that get a meditation in. I'll try to spend some quiet time in prayer with God now, if I haven't done it earlier in the day. Then, my husband and I will relax and watch one of our favourite TV shows, a movie, or, if we're lucky and our son falls asleep around 9, we can even play cards (we like to play cribbage!). I head to bed around 10 p.m., and it all starts over again the next day!
It's a pretty full day of "work". I clean, cook, teach, supervise, care for and love my children. I get very few "breaks", but I don't mind. The children don't often thank me for what I do, though my daughter is learning to express gratitude now that she's getting older. Thankfully, my husband, who was once so recalcitrant for me to stay at home, now praises me, uplifts me and whole-heartedly supports what I do. He appreciates all the work I do with the children and the freelancing work I do to earn extra money. He also helps me out tremendously on his days off, and loves spending time with the kids. He doesn't shy away from housework, and ensures I have time to work or relax when he's home.
I may not be paid in money, but I am paid in memories. I'm paid in the satisfaction of knowing that I'm the one helping, teaching and guiding my children. I'm the one who is there for them if they scrape their knee, or if they're sad or scared. I'm the one who helps them unleash their creativity and their curiosity. I'm paid in their smiles, hugs and kisses, in the respect, love and support of my husband, and in the support I get from my own mother, who always helps me feel that what I do is of value.
Being a stay-at-home mother isn't easy. It can be lonely, it can be boring, and it can be extremely tiring. But those moments are far, far overshadowed by the joy, laughter and togetherness I get to share with my children. So the next time anyone asks a stay-at-home mother what she does all day, she can just smile, and think to herself, "Oh, if only you knew!"
Disclaimer: I'm not in any way judging any mothers who return to work after their maternity leave. Being a stay-at-home mother isn't the path for everyone. God calls us all to different things. One of the best mothers I know works away from home and puts her son in day care, but every moment she spends with him is so rich, and their bond is as close as mine to my own children. I wrote this because no one should feel guilty for the choices they make regarding how they spend their time -- whether they go back to work or elect to stay at home (which we should really call work from home). We need to support each other, and respect each other's decisions, even if they're not what we ourselves would do. Our differences are what allow us to learn from one anther, and it's my hope that all mothers -- stay-at-home, work-at-home, part-time or full-time workers -- can accept each other with no judgement or criticism. Instead, we should spend time together and see what we can learn from one another to help us on our individual journeys of motherhood.
photo credit: tais.pires <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/131890383@N02/16966004339">cor-2</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>
Thursday, 25 May 2017
I also found out a few days ago about a tragic canoeing accident in the city that my husband and I lived in for eight years that claimed the lives of two fathers and two of their sons -- the youngest of whom was a six-year-old boy.
It can be so hard at times like this not to feel anxious, depressed and even to have doubts about our faith. All of this is totally normal. Unfortunately, terror attacks have become more commonplace in our troubled world, and accidents are always a sad possibility in some situations. Still, it's not hard to end up feeling sad, drained and jaded sometimes.
I was talking to someone close to me not too long ago about how it can be so hard to see the suffering that goes on in the world. We oftentimes want to put ourselves in the shoes of those who are suffering, to share some of their pain. I know that any time I hear of tragedy striking young children, I can't help but ask God why He lets things like this happen. And why are some people so blessed and lucky -- like those of us living in a developed, peaceful nation who have plenty to eat and a roof over our heads, and so much more -- while others seem to live a life of non-stop suffering, like a refugee family facing danger every day, or the poorest of the poor in the back alley slums of third-world countries? What about people -- even children -- who suffer with illnesses of all kinds?
Not too long ago I felt angry with God, wondering, if He is all-powerful, how He can allow sweet children to suffer and die. I told him, "Lord, I feel angry with You. I'm sorry I'm feeling like this, but I'm human and I can't help it. Why does this happen, Lord? Why can't you step in and perform some huge miracle, like I read about in the Bible? Why can't Jesus just return now and set things right?"
I still don't know the answers to those questions. I likely never will -- not while I'm living on this earth, anyway. But my anger with God was fleeting and foolish. God is so far above me, and my understanding is a drop in the ocean compared to His. I've learned that when I don't understand, I just need to let go and rest in God's love.
Because even when we're angry with Him, He loves us. Even when we hurt Him, He cares. We may not understand the suffering in this world, but we do know this: God came into the world, in the form of His Son Jesus Christ, and he suffered terribly because of and for us. So He certainly cares, and certainly understands.
What does the Bible say about suffering? St. Paul reveals, in the Bible, the salvific meaning of suffering. We can unite ourselves to Christ through our suffering and also offer up that same suffering to Him, even though we may not ever understand it.
"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as refuse, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own, based on law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God depends on faith; that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his suffering, becoming like him in his death, that if possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead" -- Philippians 3:8-11
A wonderful article on the Catholic News Agency says that, according to St. Paul, suffering enters us into the mystery of Christ, and lets us participate in His Passion, which is necessary for our salvation.
In Krakow, Poland this past July, Pope Francis said,"By dying on the cross, He surrendered Himself into the hands of the Father, taking upon Himself and in Himself, with self-sacrificing love, the physical, moral and spiritual wounds of all humanity."
So we can see that even though we may not understand our suffering, we know that Christ is with us throughout it all. Continuing to speak to the crowd of young people in Blonia Park, he talked about how some questions, like where God is when people suffer and die, or other tragedy strikes, cannot be answered. "We can only look to Jesus and ask him. And Jesus' answer is this: 'God is in them.' Jesus is in them; he suffers in them and deeply identifies with each of them. He is so closely united to them as to form with them, as it were, 'one body.'"
But going even farther than that, the Holy Father says that the only answer to evil is mercy -- and for us believers, that means "spiritual and corporal works of mercy".
So how can we show mercy? How can each and every once of us bring more peace into this world and fight back the evil that threatens to win the day? It can seem daunting. I'd love to be able to do more charitably -- to give money on a regular basis to some good cause, but I'm not there right now. I am a stay-at-home mum, and while I do bring in some money from freelancing, my husband takes care of almost all of our expenses. We're also saving for our children's education. We give to our local parish each Sunday and make charitable donations every once in awhile, when we can.
But mercy and charity aren't always about money. How often do you pray about the needs of the world, and not just your own needs and those of your family and inner circle? Prayer is so important, and it's something we can all do -- a spiritual work of mercy that can become a reality for all of us.
How else can we promote peace and mercy? Well, when you're waiting for the grocery clerk to bag your groceries, do you smile at them? Do you engage them in chit-chat and ask them how they're doing? Do you thank them? Do you go out of your way to try to brighten the day of everyone you come into contact with? Do you pour love into your spouse and your children, setting aside your stress and obligations?
It's something we should all be striving for. And above all, those of us who are lucky enough to be fathers and mothers, grandparents, teachers and anyone who plays a part in the life of a child? Well, we have a very high calling. We can do everything that's in our power to raise up a generation for Christ -- a generation of boys and girls, who will become men and women, who will shine like stars lighting up the night sky with their acts of love, devotion and peace. Our children can indeed change the world, but it's up to us to lay the foundation.
photo credit: Aida diLeto Lundquist <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/21776013@N06/34005452764">WHY?</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">(license)</a>
Friday, 12 May 2017
Hey everyone! I hope you're all enjoying spring, whether you live up North like me, and are only now starting to have frost-free mornings, or whether you live in warmer climes and have been enjoying flowers and sunshine for a while already.
I've really fallen in love with gardening this year -- flower gardening, in particular. In the past, I've grown only vegetables. But this year, I'm not doing too much of that. Our new house (I still think of it as new even though this Canada Day -- July 1 for you non-Canadians! -- will mark the one year anniversary of our moving in) doesn't have a raised vegetable garden; that's something I'd like to do next year. My husband built me a raised garden bed in our old house, but this summer he's focused on building our fence and possibly a play structure for the children.
Considering we have two older but energetic dogs, and two young and extremely energetic children (including a toddler), I can see myself struggling to keep both the two-legged and four-legged creatures out of my front garden. So this year, I decided to do container gardening for my vegetables. Next year, hopefully we will have a specific part of our yard the dogs can go in when we're not outside with them, and hopefully by then my son will (at three) understand when I tell him not to go in the garden. But until then, I'm growing potatoes, sweet peas, carrots and lettuce in containers. I'm thinking of also buying a tomato plant, as we love Mediterranean cooking and I enjoy making my own pizza sauce!
As for flower gardening, I was lucky enough that the previous owner of our house left a plethora of flower pots and even hanging baskets for me to use! Our front wrap-around porch (one of the joys of buying a house built over 100 years ago) now has four hanging baskets adorning it, but I've yet to transplant my flowers into them (in my part of Canada it's not advised to leave plants out overnight until after Victoria Day). I can't wait!
So what does my ramble about gardening have to do with keeping kids Catholic? Well, part of the joy of gardening is watching your flowers and vegetables grow. You dream about what they'll look like, smell like, and what they'll produce. You nurture them by watering them, placing them in the sun, weeding them and encouraging them to grow. Some of us may even talk to our plants, like my favourite author, L. M. Montgomery (who wrote the Anne of Green Gables books) was known to do.
And isn't that what we also do with our children? We dream about what the future holds for them, we pray for them, we do our very best to give them an enriching environment that will be a good basis for their adult lives, and we also try to prune out any negative influences in their lives.
I was lucky enough to grow up Catholic, and I felt very close to Jesus and Mary as a child. My father was raised Catholic (he was an altar boy, and likes to joke about those days) and my mom had a Catholic mother and a father who later converted to Catholicism, and she herself converted when she married my dad.
We didn't always attend church faithfully, and we didn't celebrate saints days or anything like that, but you could still tell we were Catholic, and it's definitely something I felt rooted in growing up, despite my exploration of born-again Christianity during my teenage years.
I think, though, that it's going to be harder for parents of my generation to keep their kids Catholic in today's world. With what passes as feminism running things politically and socially (which is, unfortunately, not about putting women on equal footing with men but exalting them above them -- how does swapping one power group for another help society?), with loud, forceful support for abortion, it can seem daunting that we're trying to raise kids that will put Christ, and follow the Church's footsteps of putting others first, above the modern pursuit of pleasure, wealth and success at all costs.
And then there's also the fact that some of our children may be swayed by well-meaning friends to leave the Roman Catholic church for a more "modern" church -- one with worship bands, cool youth festivals and a chilled out atmosphere.
So what can we do, as parents, to root our children into our wonderful, ancient faith -- the one that was passed down for generations from Christ Himself? Well, for me, the answer lies in prayer and living out as best I can the beauty and tradition of our faith.
I always pray that my children will grow in faith and love of Christ, and that they'll be faithful Catholics. I pray that they will have good influences like friends, teachers and coaches who are Christian, but also ones that are Catholic Christians. I'm not by any means putting down our Protestant brothers and sisters -- some of my closest friends are from various Protestant denominations. But I'm also happy when my children can make friends with other Catholic families -- because it's more than a faith, it's a rich, beautiful culture.
And speaking of that rich, beautiful culture, how can we live it out? As Catholics, we know the beliefs and traditions that separates us from other Christians, but how do we show it? Well, I picked up the book The Catholic Catalogue by Melissa Musick and Anna Keating last year, and I love it! Thanks to this book, this past Advent and Christmas season was so special, and so Catholic! We had a manger scene, we gathered round the Advent wreath for vespers on a nightly basis, and we made Epiphany window stars.
This book also goes into the significance of different saints feast days, some of which we celebrate. We also celebrate anniversaries of our baptisms, first communions, confirmations, etc.
I'm always happy and eager to learn more about this beautiful Catholic faith, so I also read books about it for my own enrichment. And I'm going through the book Tell Me About the Catholic Faith: from the Bible to the Sacraments with my kids. We read it after we say our daily prayers and have read our daily Bible story.
We have several rosaries around the house, and one is a colourful one that is for my daughter. I have a pamphlet on how to pray the rosary with kids, and now that she's five (almost six!) this is something we're going to start doing together.
And the easiest way to keep our kids Catholic? Go to Mass! Make it a priority, and not just on Sunday -- if you can take your family to Mass sometime during the week, too, then that's even better! Read the Mass readings before you go to church, and discuss them as a family. Encourage your children to ask questions about the Mass, and about the faith in general. It's okay if you don't know all the answers -- I sure don't! You can make a journey of faith together, as a family. What an adventure!
And finally, release your children in prayer to God. Ask Him to guide them and grow them with deep roots in the faith. Ask our Blessed Mother to pray for them and keep special watch over them. Pick a patron saint for your family (ours is Pope Saint John Paul II). And pray that you can find a love and eagerness to learn about this amazing faith, because when your children see you excited about something, chances are they'll get excited about it too!
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
photo credit: Catholic Church (England and Wales) <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27340278@N03/13177433523">Altar Servers-1-19</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">(license)</a>
Tuesday, 2 May 2017
A few weeks ago my husband, children and I were on a walk to the park. On the way, I thought I'd stop in at the library and see if there was anything good to read. I perused the stacks a bit, but it wasn't until I went up to the front desk to check out my children's books that I noticed the book I would choose. It beckoned to me from the front display, where the librarian puts new books that have just arrived.
The title is what first drew my attention -- the book is called And Then There Were Nuns, by Jane Christmas. On the front cover, as you can see, is an illustration of several nuns. All but one of the nuns are in casual, practical shoes -- but one stands out: her feet, positioned shyly and somewhat coyly, in bright red kitten heels.
My interest was piqued, to say the least, even before I read the back. Catholic I may be, but the knowledge I have of nuns comes pretty much straight out of The Sound of Music. Here's a brief description of the book taken from Amazon:
Just as Jane Christmas decides to enter a convent in mid-life to find out whether she is “nun material”, her long-term partner Colin, suddenly springs a marriage proposal on her. Determined not to let her monastic dreams be sidelined, Christmas puts her engagement on hold and embarks on an extraordinary year long adventure to four convents—one in Canada and three in the UK.
In these communities of cloistered nuns and monks, she shares—and at times chafes and rails against—the silent, simple existence she has sought all of her life. Christmas takes this spiritual quest seriously, but her story is full of the candid insights, humorous social faux pas, profane outbursts, and epiphanies that make her books so relatable and popular. And Then There Were Nuns offers a seldom-seen look inside modern cloistered life, and it is sure to ruffle more than a few starched collars among the ecclesiastical set.
I pulled a Belle (off of Beauty & the Beast, obviously) and dug into the fist few pages while I walked the rest of the way to the park to meet up with my family. I was slightly put off by the fact that Christmas had been married twice before -- and was engaged a third time -- and yet was also considering cloistered life. But her writing style was so warm and confidential -- it felt like she was a more religious Bridget Jones.
It took me awhile to get into this book, but once I did, I could not put it down. My five-year-old would say, "Wow, Mummy, you're really into that book!" Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely an interactive, playful mother, but there are plenty of times my kids look at me and see me with my nose in a book. Better than a cell phone, at least (I hope!). But I was really drawn into Christmas' adventures in religious life.
This book is a lesson in expecting the unexpected -- just when you get used to thinking that Christmas is going through a woman's type of midlife crisis and you warm to her witty observations and slightly sarcastic tone, she drops bombshells on you. She writes in heart-wrenching detail about the time she was callously raped by a cold-hearted colleague, about disturbing (and supernatural?) experiences at various houses of religion, and even recounts a vision of the Lord Jesus.
Christmas was raised in a mixed Anglican-Roman Catholic household, but her writing makes it clear that she feels more at home in the Anglican tradition (though it does seem to frustrate her at times). She's also quiet liberal, and is a passionate advocate of Anglican women priests and even LGBT priests, so as a Catholic that doesn't really align with my view of religion, but then again, I didn't select the book as something that would grow my faith in God or help me on my walk with Christ (although in a way, it did end up doing just that) -- I read lots of those books, but this time I just wanted a fun, fascinating read. And that's what I got.
Though I may not agree with Christmas' theology or her politics, I can't help but really admiring her and liking her. I think if I ever got to meet her in person she's the kind of lady I'd really like to be friends with. She seems like a good mother, a loving partner, a great friend, and a woman who is constantly striving to give God the centre place in her life. Christmas' walk with God might not look typical, but therein lies the beauty. If you're looking for a nice summer read, and need a break from the chic-lit rom-coms, this is definitely for you.
I think I'll wrap up this review by explaining to you the biggest take-away I got from the book: the value of silence. I'm not a person who is usually comfortable with silence (unless I'm trying to sleep). I often listen to podcasts or music, and I think some of it comes from being a slightly anxious person -- if I don't fill the silence, my brain will -- and sometimes that's a recipe for worry. However, Christmas explains why silence is such an important part of the nuns' and monks' lives. She could not -- and nor could I -- live with that kind of silence on a daily basis, but she did learn that silence is necessary to hear God. We often pray, and have inner dialogue with God, but how often do we just let him talk to us? On our own, sitting quietly, or even while doing things like kneading bread or folding laundry. Christmas inspired me to be more open to silence, and what it can do for my prayer life.